יורה דעה שפ״הYoreh De'ah 385

Se’if 1א׳

אָבֵל אָסוּר בִּשְׁאֵלַת שָׁלוֹם. כֵּיצַד, שְׁלֹשָׁה יָמִים הָרִאשׁוֹנִים אֵינוֹ שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹם כָּל אָדָם, וְאִם אֲחֵרִים לֹא יָדְעוּ שֶׁהוּא אָבֵל וְשָׁאֲלוּ בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ, לֹא יָשִׁיב לָהֶם שָׁלוֹם אֶלָא יוֹדִיעֵם שֶׁהוּא אָבֵל. מִג' עַד שִׁבְעָה, אֵינוֹ שׁוֹאֵל, וְאִם אֲחֵרִים לֹא יָדְעוּ שֶׁהוּא אָבֵל וְשָׁאֲלוּ בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ, מֵשִׁיב לָהֶם. מִשִּׁבְעָה עַד ל', שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹם אֲחֵרִים שֶׁהֵם שְׁרוּיִים בְּשָׁלוֹם, וְאֵין אֲחֵרִים שׁוֹאֲלִים בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ, וְכָל שֶׁכֵּן שֶׁמֵּשִׁיב לְמִי שֶׁשּׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ. לְאַחַר ל' יוֹם, הֲרֵי הוּא כִּשְׁאָר כָּל אָדָם. בַּמֶּה דְּבָרִים אֲמוּרִים, בִּשְׁאָר קְרוֹבִים, אֲבָל עַל אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹם אֲחֵרִים אַחַר שִׁבְעָה, וְאֵין אֲחֵרִים שׁוֹאֲלִים בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ עַד אַחַר י"ב חֹדֶשׁ. הַגָּה: וּמֵאַחַר שֶׁאָסוּר בִּשְׁאֵלַת שָׁלוֹם, כָּל שֶׁכֵּן שֶׁאָסוּר לְהַרְבּוֹת בִּדְבָרִים (רַמְבַּ"ם פ"ה וְכָל בּוֹ). וְאִם עוֹשֶׂה לִכְבוֹד רַבִּים, כְּגוֹן שֶׁרַבִּים בָּאִים לְנַחֲמוֹ, מֻתָּר לוֹמַר לָהֶם: לְכוּ לְבָתֵּיכֶם לְשָׁלוֹם, דְּלִכְבוֹד רַבִּים שָׁרֵי (נ"י פֶּרֶק אֵין מְגַלְּחִין וּבְהַגָּהוֹת מיי' וּבְמָרְדְּכַי הִלְכוֹת אֵבֶל). וְיֵשׁ מְקִלִּין הָאִדָּנָא בִּשְׁאֵלַת שְׁלוֹם הָאָבֵל לְאַחַר ל', וְאֵין טַעַם לָהֶם, אִם לֹא שֶׁיַּחְלְקוּ לוֹמַר שֶׁזֶּה מַה שֶּׁאָנוּ נוֹהֲגִים לֹא מִקְרֵי שְׁאֵלַת שָׁלוֹם שֶׁבִּימֵיהֶם (סְבָרַת הָרַב). וְעַיֵּן בא"ח סִימָן פ"ט.

In what manner is a mourner forbidden to extend a greeting of peace?1M.K. 15a, derived from the words of God to Ezekiel, ‘Sigh in silence’ (Ez. XXIV, 17, 22-23). Cf. Rashi and Tosaf. a.l. — [During] the first three days2Which are designated for weeping (M.K. 27b). he does not extend a greeting of peace to anyone. If others were unaware that he is a mourner, and extended to him a greeting of peace, he should not respond to them, but should inform them that he is a mourner. After three and to seven [days] he does not extend a greeting [of peace]. If others were unaware that he is a mourner and extended to him a greeting of peace, he responds to them..3Out of respect. After seven [and] to thirty [days] he extends a greeting of peace to others who abide in peace, but others do not extend to him a greeting of peace,4This, of course, applies to those who are aware that he is within the thirty days of mourning. and so much the more that he responds to one who extended to him a greeting of peace.5To one who is unaware that he is in mourning. After thirty days he is regarded as all other people.6M.K. 21b. This applies only in the case of other near-of-kin, but [one who is in mourning] for his father or mother, extends a greeting of peace to others after the seven [days of mourning], but others do not extend a greeting of peace to him until after twelve months.7Ibid. However, he may extend a greeting of peace to others after the seven days of mourning. Gloss: And since he is forbidden to extend a greeting of peace, so much the more is he forbidden to indulge in much conversation.8Yad, Ebel V, 20 and Kol Bo — G. Cf. infra § 393, 2. However, if he does [so] out of deference to the public, e.g., if many [people] came to offer him consolation, he is permitted to say to them, 'Go to your homes unto peace,' — for out of deference to the public, it is permissible.9N.Yos. to M.K. III; Hag. Maim. ibid.; Mord. Laws of Mourning —G. Cf. M.K. ibid. with respect to R. Akiba. There are some who adopt a lenient view nowadays with respect to extending a greeting of peace to the mourner after thirty days,10Who is in mourning for a parent. and [actually] they have no grounds for this [procedure], unless [it is possible] that they make a distinctoin [in this matter] by saying that our custom [today] of extending [a greeting to the mourner] is not regarded [on the same footing as] a greeting of peace extended in their [former] days.11Opinion of Isserles — G. ShaK rejects this distinction, for if this were so, it should be applicable even within the thirty days of mourning. D.M. who has the reading ‘after seven days’ instead of ‘after thirty days.’ Ba’er Heteb, however, maintains that if one greets with the formula ‘Good morning’ or the like, it is not considered as a ‘greeting of peace.’ For only the formula containing the word ‘peace’ (שלום) is not to be used. B.Yos. to O.Ḥ. § 85 and cf. Zohar Pekude 103a.

Se’if 2ב׳

הַמּוֹצֵא אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ אָבֵל בְּתוֹךְ ל' יוֹם, מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִין וְאֵינוֹ שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ. לְאַחַר ל' יוֹם, שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ וְאֵינוֹ מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִים כְּדַרְכּוֹ, אֶלָא מִן הַצַּד, שֶׁאֵינוֹ מַזְכִּיר לוֹ שֵׁם הַמֵּת, אֶלָא אוֹמֵר לוֹ: תִּתְנַחֵם. מֵתָה אִשְׁתּוֹ וְנָשָׂא אַחֶרֶת, אֵינוֹ נִכְנָס לְבֵיתוֹ לְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִין. מְצָאוֹ בַּשּׁוּק, אוֹמֵר לוֹ: תִּתְנַחֵם, בְּשָׂפָה רָפָה וּבְכֹבֶד רֹאשׁ. אֲבָל אִם לֹא נָשָׂא אַחֶרֶת, מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִין עַד שֶׁיַּעַבְרוּ ג' רְגָלִים. וְעַל אָבִיו וְעַל אִמּוֹ מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִין כָּל י"ב חֹדֶשׁ; לְאַחַר י"ב חֹדֶשׁ מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ מִן הַצַּד.

One who meets his friend [who is a] mourner, [if] within the thirty days [of mourning], he offers him words of consolation, but does not extend to him a greeting of peace; [if] after thirty days, he may extend a greeting of peace to him, but offers him not words of consolation in one's usual manner, but [makes reference to his sorrow] indirectly, [viz.,] he does not mention to him the name of the dead, but [only] says to him, 'Be consoled.'12M.K. 12b. [If] his [friend's] wife died and he married another woman,13Within the three Festivals. Cf. ibid. 23a. infra § 392, he does not enter his home to offer him words of consolation;14For it is not good manners to make such remarks in the presence of his new wife. [if] he met him in the street, he says to him, 'Be consoled' in an undertone and with a bent head.15Without ostentation (M.K. ibid.). But if he did not marry another woman, he may offer him words of consolation16Whether in his home or in the street. until after three Festivals have passed.17Tur on the authority of T.H. After this period he makes no mention of this at all. Nowadays this ruling is no longer in force. However, [if he is in mourning] for his father or mother, he offers him words of consolation throughout the twelve months [of mourning]; after twelve months he makes reference [to his mourning] indirectly.12M.K. 12b.

Se’if 3ג׳

מָקוֹם שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ לִהְיוֹת שׁוֹאֲלִים בִּשְׁלוֹם אֲבֵלִים בְּשַׁבָּת, שׁוֹאֲלִים. וְכָתַב הַרַמְבַּ"ם שֶׁהָאָבֵל נוֹתֵן שָׁלוֹם לְכָל אָדָם בְּשַׁבָּת, שֶׁהוּא מִכְּלַל דְּבָרִים שֶׁבְּפַרְהֶסְיָא. הַגָּה: וְאָסוּר לִשְׁלֹחַ מָנוֹת לְאָבֵל עַל אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ כָּל י"ב חֹדֶשׁ, וַאֲפִלּוּ בְּשַׁבָּת, בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁאֹל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ בְּשַׁבָּת (תְּשׁוּבַת מהרי"ל סי' ל"א) ; אֲבָל בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ לִשְׁאֹל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ בְּשַׁבָּת, גַּם זֶה שָׁרֵי.

[In] a locality where it is the adopted custom to extend to mourners a greeting of peace on the Sabbath, one may do so.18Y.Ber. II, 7(5b); Y.M.K. III, 5(82d), where it is reported inter alia that R. Hoshaya, the Elder, once went to a certain place and met mourners on the Sabbath. He extended to them a greeting of peace and said to them, ‘I know not what is the custom of your place (with respect to greeting on the Sabbath); however, peace be unto you in accordance with the custom of our place.’ also Asheri to M.K. Cf. O.Ḥ. § 287. Furthermore, Maimonides writes that the mourner may offer a greeting of peace to everyone on the Sabbath,19Yad, Ebel X, 1. Thus also Tur on the authority of the latter. Kes. Mish. (ibid.) states that the reason this law was not mentioned in B. is that it is quite obvious that otherwise it would be regarded as public mourning which is prohibited on the Sabbath. for [otherwise] this comes under the class of things regarded as public [mourning, which is forbidden on the Sabbath]. Gloss: It is forbidden to send [or bring] gifts to one who is in mourning for his father or mother, throughout the twelve months [of mourning], and even on the Sabbath, in a locality where it is the adopted custom not to extend to him a greeting of peace on the Sabbath;20MaHaRIL, Resp. 31 — G. With respect to sending gifts to a mourner on Purim, v. M.Abr. to O.Ḥ. § 696, n. 12 who permits and TaZ (ibid.) who forbids. A mourner is permitted to recite the שהחיינו Benediction (‘Blessed art thou … who hast granted us life and sustenance and permitted us to reach this season’) whenever necessary, e.g., on Ḥanukkah or when partaking of a new fruit or the like — R.E.Z. Margolis. but in a localtiy where it is the adopted custom to extend to him a greeting of peace on the Sabbath, this too, is permissible.